29 January 2014- The Bad Wolf


Warning: This blog is destined to be a dark one. If you aren’t prepared to accept my state of mind at the time of this writing, or want to stay positive, please skip it. I am writing this after only a few hours of restless sleep..whoever said sleeping on things will make it seem better, was sadly WRONG!

Depression and anxiety…I liken it to a dark, black hole that is always close and I always picture me trying to climb a slippery slope away from it for fear of being consumed by it. Dramatic? Yes. Reality? Mine. How others view these issues….not sure but probably close from what I’ve read. 

It amazes me how far I think I’ve climbed up that slippery slope away from that hole, only to realize that it doesn’t take much for me to start sliding back toward it. It’s a constant battle and comes at me from out of the blue, sometimes very quickly after I’ve done some climbing, other times, I get very far away and go a long time before that black maw opens up and back I go. 

So why am I writing this? First, because I have never tried this as therapy for sorting through my emotions and staying away from that edge. Second, because posting a status on FB for an hour to say you sympathize with those that suffer from the unseen mental illnesses just doesn’t cut it for me. No one gets it unless they live it.

Sound like a basket case? A nut job? Maybe. Should I be on drugs? NO WAY! Been there, tried them all…not good. I was given these depths of emotions for a reason, I will learn to handle them in whatever way I can, but it won’t be with pharmaceuticals. 

Image

Birding has actually helped relieve me of a lot of these episodes…who would have thought that these little guys could contribute so much to one’s mental health and overall enjoyment of life…people make fun of me and think I am obsessed..I am. But for good reason..birding takes me to a mental happy place…it relaxes me, relieves stress, gets me out. I miss it, being here, and thus my slippery slope seems that much more precarious to me at this time. I take lots of pictures of birds for this reason..birding by computer is almost as good as getting out..but not quite. 

So here’s where I fight….I’m sliding down this slippery slope because of something that roiled my emotions. I will try to keep busy and not think..if I do, my thoughts will surely turn dark and images will flash through my mind. I try to keep things in perspective but one image has already come to me unbidden..the image of the young man who was detained by five armed soldiers outside our gate then walked down the road to what was surely his untimely death. This image is burned into my mind. I will not forget. Will I ultimately blame the institution that led me to this place? No. The fates that brought that reality to our doorstep are to blame, no one else. Will I remember that young man? Yes, because no one other than his family will. Do I feel helpless…absolutely. Sliding faster now. So today will be a day where I try to grab onto something that will help me out. I won’t go willingly…I won’t give up. 

That’s it for today

Soldiermomma signing off

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About lbidal

I am an average woman, of average age, leading an average life...at least on the surface. Sixteen years ago, I chose to spice up the average-ness of my life by putting on combat boots. Some of my blogs reflect my experiences while wearing them. Some blogs are of my passion and hobby, birding and bird photography...and some, well, can't help but blogging about average things living an average life! Enjoy!

Posted on January 29, 2014, in South Sudan. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. theunforgivingminute

    I’m sorry that had to happen. I’m sorry you had to see that. I’m sorry that you have to be where you are because the world is the way it is and most of all, I wish I could make this all go away for you. I’m thankful that you are able to share how you feel. Don’t ever hold your feelings back. I’m glad that you are able to try to focus on what makes you happy. Hold on to that. Hold on to nature and love and the simpler things that are still in this world.
    Sending love and hugs from across the pond. I am here and not so far away, day or night.

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